*i love you [I HATE YOU!]*

There are several companies that I am fiercely loyal to-- I would even go as far to say that I consider them "my" stores... H&M, Trader Joe's, and Ikea. All of these stores have something in common-- great, well designed products for a reasonable price. Some may think that it's silly to LOVE a store, but let me explain myself a bit.

When you move as much as I have, stores become like familiar faces and old friends. Everywhere I have lived for the past 5 years has had an Ikea nearby. When we moved to Switzerland I spent much of first months in Ikea-- by default mostly, we had to furnish an entire apartment, but also as a comfort. It's silly, but somehow it removed me from the "foreign" world around me and surrounded me with familiar things... with weird Swedish names like "dimpa", "lack" and "lem" no less. No matter where you are, an Ikea is an Ikea... a large, blue, squarish warehouse with yellow lettering, meatballs, cinnamon rolls and a billion and one nick-nacks designed to make you think you can't live without them.

So, on to the purpose of my post. I have been an Ikea shopper for about 5 years now and I feel like since Ikea's are now popping up everywhere around the country it is my duty to pass on some of my expertise to the inexperienced Ikea shopper.

In the store:

1. Utilize the play place. If you have children over 47 inches tall that can control their bladders, sign them in! It gives you a whole 45 minutes to get lost in the store and try and find your way back in time to pick them up.

2. Before you buy the awesome dresser, bed, table, chair, crib... or all of the above, imagine yourself spending the next two weeks building each item in every spare moment with children or spouses or dogs or whatever you have bugging you at every moment. That will help you decide which things you really need.

3. In the restaurant, just order the meatballs. Believe me, the Swedish version of a buffalo wing wrap isn't that great. The chocolate cake is awesome.

4. Don't ask the sales reps for help. Unless they are standing at their little "computer" post, they are usually not in their own department and won't be able to help you. (BTW, I have never actually found someone standing at their post.)

5. Write down the Swedish name and what the item actually is on your item list. Example:
Lack, table, aisle 19, bin 7. Then when you get down to the warehouse and are searching through the multiple items named "lack" you can look on the pictures on the boxes and confirm that the table that you want isn't there anyway. (A sales associate won't be able to tell you when the next shipment comes in. If you can find one to ask that is.)

6. Ikea sells disposable furniture. There's a reason it's so cheap, people. Plan on anything you buy lasting about 3 years. If it lasts longer than that than you are incredibly lucky or don't have kids.

7. Save your receipt!! They won't take returns without one (even if no one else sells furniture with their name on it.)

8. Make sure you bring a vehicle big enough to hold everything you'll take home... or two.

9. Plan on spending about 2x as much as you think you will.

10. On your first visit don't plan on buying anything. You'll just wander around for about 4 hours feeling overwhelmed. This is perfectly normal.

11. Practice pushing two carts full of stuff at the same time before you go.

12. If you have children, expect to lose at least all of them while you are there.

So, after you bring all of your precious finds home get ready to BUILD! First, get your toolbox out and have it nearby. You'll need every single tool you have by the end of your building session and it's just easier if you start out with all of them rather than having to hunt them down after you get started.

Get your 72 hour kit out and set it nearby. Then you won't have to go to the kitchen and interrupt the building process.

Next, open the box carefully and surround yourself with all of the contents. Make sure you have all of the items before you start building (consult page 1 of the 100 page instruction manual). Then, take out the 25 pound bag of screws, etc and make sure you have all of them. There is nothing more frustrating then missing pieces in the middle of a "build".

Look over the directions before you start. Consult your spouse or someone nearby to decipher exactly what the picture is telling you to do. These directions are made so that all people, no matter what literacy level or culture they come from can participate in the frustration.

Then start building. Thoughts like "hmmm, I probably didn't need that screw anyway" are perfectly normal and acceptable. Expect to have at least 2 or 3 fights with whomever you are working with. Expect to take apart and start over the project at least once because you used the wrong piece in the wrong place. And last of all, expect to feel like you REALLY accomplished something when you are done.

All of these things are suggestions. You can do whatever you please, because you are you and I am me. Now, you may feel that much of this post is my way of subtly dissing this great institution. Well, anyone who truly knows my complex ways knows that this is one of my ways of showing affection. I love (hate) this store.

Hope this helps at least one Ikea virgin out there.

P.S. if you live in Utah I would just wait about 5 years and then try to brave the new store there. Just a suggestion.

Oh, and don't feel bad when you see half of your living room items on the next "Design on a dime" show. It happens to all of us.